Empty Arms
The Journey Alone
When a young teenage girl discovers she’s pregnant, she can be overwhelmed, confused and frightened. Whether she had been coerced, raped, abused, or her pregnancy was a result of early experimentation with sex, she will carry shame, trauma and guilt. For her, It’s a long, hard journey which is overwhelming for a young girl, along with coming to terms with all emotions and changes of growing into a woman.
Consequently, she now must make a huge adult decision for the outcome of the baby’s life.
A pregnancy changes her life permanently, whether she chooses to keep the baby, abort, or adopt.
A Frightening Journey Alone
Back in the day, a young girl that became pregnant was hidden, or sent away because of the shame within the family and society. More often than not, she was taken to a convent, or a home for unmarried girls. These choices were those of the adults around her; family, state or church. She had no control over what happened to her. Therefore, the outcome for the girl and the baby’s future was controlled by others.
At other times, the girl was taken to an abortionist, with, or without her consent.
SHAME was the driving force behind these choices.
At the end of the day, it was the girl and the baby that paid the price, as she once again took another journey alone, full of FEAR and not knowing what was going to happen once the door closed behind her, as strangers helped her to let go of the life within her.
Empty Arms
To carry a life within is the most natural and beautiful thing for a woman; therefore, to walk away from that mother/child connection is impossible to forget long-term; especially, if you carry the burden of guilt, shame, anger, loss and regret. Time and distractions fail to erase the memory.
You cannot undo being pregnant, no matter how far you push it down. No matter how long ago you gave birth, or aborted the baby. You will not “get over it.” However, you can walk through it.
When I was seventeen and seven months pregnant, I lost my son to domestic violence and I carried that loss for fifty three years.
I have just turned seventy and I remember that day, as though it happened yesterday. I was in the delivery room and I heard him cry, as the nurses carried him away.
I never saw him again. I was told my son had died, due to the trauma of the violence. My husband and his father agreed to have him buried with an old man that had died recently. I never got to say goodbye; indeed, that choice was taken from me. I was told to forget him because I was young enough to have more children. I was not allowed to grieve, or talk about it, so I buried it, pretending it never happened.
But it did happen. I carried Derek for seven months, I gave birth and yet, I never got to hold him, or love him. My arms were empty.
Freedom
One doesn’t simply “get over” the loss of a baby, just because they are not in your arms. If this were the case, why would mum’s have a battle with guilt, shame, loss and sadness? It’s a silent ‘secret’ some carry around for a long time, or bury it deeply within. The reality is that somewhere along our life journey, it will show up through a memory, another traumatic event; or more obviously, a child/adult will seek out their birth mother; or possibly, a mum will try to find her child. One thing for certain, is that the baby who started life within the womb, the connection is never lost, no matter what stage of pregnancy the bond was broken.
I buried my pain for many years, I couldn’t look at it because I was afraid of the depth of emotions it may bring up. However, it had a way of showing up when I least expected it, especially each time I gave birth to one of my following four sons.
The trouble with buried memories is that they tend to show up along our life’s journey unexpectantly. At one such time, I decided it was time to seek professional help with a trained Counsellor.
My advice to anyone that has carried a baby and never got to hold them, is to reach out for help and learn skills to let go of the hidden shame, guilt, hurt, regret and pain. Freedom comes from walking through it, with others walking alongside you. You will know you are healed when you can look at it, talk about it and no hurt is attached to it.
I am a Christian and I got my healing after I brought it to the surface with the help of a skilled Counsellor and then allowed Jesus, to touch those painful memories and I found freedom.